Cheeseburger Trafficker

How far would you drive for a big mac?  a cheese burger?  What about a bucket of KFC?  You’d be surprised what you would do when you haven’t had it for a few weeks.  While my withdrawal symptoms have settled down now, it was touch and go there for a while.  Seriously … was my gorgeous new man worth a lifetime sans whoppers with cheese?

Those that know me will tell you that I would have faded away to shadow had it not been for me living less than 1km from McDonalds (this is really quite handy when you get home from a boozy night with a serious hankering for a Big Mac … you can walk less than a kilometre when you’re drunk if there is food at the end of the path).  Well, I’ve been in Newman for over 4 weeks now and in this time have not even had a whiff of anything greasy (oh ok ok, I have stood out the front of Chicken Treat and breathed really deeply, but I haven’t actually been in).

And so, when one of our friends said she was heading to Geraldton for a few days and would I like anything from there … I didn’t hesitate in asking for a few frozen Bacon Deluxes.  It seems whenever you head down to Perth, or Geraldton, there are always numerous requests for the couriering of fast food.  HJs in Geralton are so used to this that they double wrap their whoppers.  KFC on Great Eastern Highway in Perth will sell you a “travel pack” for $10 which allows you to put your KFC in the hold below the plane … so as not to drive fellow air travellors wild with the morish smell all the way home.

Actually, having half a dozen whoppers in the freezer makes me feel a whole lot more comfortable about potential cooking disasters … although, in my experience you really need to defrost the whopper before nuking it … salad really doesn’t freeze all that well.

Last time Mr W. flew from Perth to Newman … without me :-(, we pulled up at McDonalds and ordered 23 cheeseburgers (we really only needed 20, but you try driving 20km with a bag of cheeseburgers in the car and not eating any … so we had to account for temptation).  I have to tell you that we really confused the drive thru girl … she ended up calling her manager to speak to us and confirm our order … clearly thought it was a hoax.  Anyway, we loaded up a cooly bag with our 20 cheeseburgers and proceeded to the airport … and even though the bag was sealed, the smell still wafted out.  The security man pissed himself laughing at the site of 20 cheeseburgers going through an x-ray machine, but you can’t tell me he hasn’t seen worse.  I dared Mr W. to wait half way through the flight before ripping one out and devouring it in front of all his fellow passengers … popular man he would not have been.  Although then there was my other suggestion of selling them off at $20 a pop … come on, quickest $400 he’s ever made!  Well to cut a long story short, after about 3 hours in that bag, they were just as hot as when they went in … clearly we all need one of these bags … especially if we are going  into the trafficking business … trafficking McDonalds that is.

Just in case you ever need to know these things I am going to share some Fast Food Trafficking Wisdom with you.  In my experience McDonalds freezes way better than Hungry Jacks (Homer was onto something when he penned the lyrics of “you don’t make friends with salad).  And if you’re ever asked to courier some KFC, it really does travel well, so I’m told.

So, if you are ever coming to visit me … please call me first … you never know what I will want you to bring me from the greasy lands far far away.

pp xx